Before writing me back via Facebook, Patrick poked me too. He first wrote, “You poked me!” Of course, this flirting made me feel giddy and promising. He enjoyed his day at the beach. He almost didn’t go, but he was happy that he did. He asked if I went to the beach too. I didn’t end up going to the beach because I went to karaoke with friends until 5 am and was too exhausted. I asked Paul if he was glad he went to the beach and he replied, “didn’t have expectations… it was cool.”

We went back and forth a bit flirting about possibly going out that night. Not with each other. So I suggested if he did come out to let me know so we could meet up because he makes me laugh.

He brought up a rumor that he’d heard there was an outdoor pool at a fancy hotel downtown. He said he wanted to go there before he leaves. He also said he wanted to return to the beach.

“I hadn’t heard about the pool. When do you want to go to the beach? I want to return too. Which beach were you considering?”

He replied with all this info about various beaches. He then told me that he was ready to go immediately; next Saturday or Sunday, if possible. He said he just wanted to swim in the sea, sit in the shade, and eat ice cream. He suggested making an impulsive decision instead. Then he asked what beaches I had in mind.

So, I, pretty much having laid it out on the table that I want him, took this opportunity to just dive in. I want to go to the beach with Paul. No, I want to go to the beach with Paul and make out and make love. Yeah, that’s what I want.

So, I just put an itinerary together and presented it. “Let’s leave Friday night. We can stay at the beautiful overnight spa that overlooks the sea and is inexpensive so it won’t break into our budgets. The night we arrive, we can eat Indian at my favorite restaurant. Then we can head to the less crowded beach just north of the main, popular beach. It has shade, sea and ice cream. I have to leave Saturday evening for a party. But if we leave Friday, we won’t feel rushed. We can leave after you get off if you can do it. If not let’s go early Sunday.”

Shortly after I sent that email, he replied, “beach plans for this weekend sound good.”

I’m doing a happy K’s gonna get sex dance. ♥K.

“I did not mean to Facebook poke you. I would never do that on purpose. Lame. How was the beach?”

I was sitting in the theater with two of my girlfriends when it happened. We were having a ladies night out. I got really cute too. I styled my hair big and curly, put a flower in it, picked out a hot orange tube top and knee-lengthened skirt and espadrille heels. I looked good. So we’re sitting there about an hour into Magic Mike when I get a text message from Mr. Kind and Sensible aka Paul:

“I’m thinking of Indian food for dinner. Care to join me?”

I was initially shocked because I never expected to hear from him. My second thought was “fuck, I’m watching a movie with my girls. I can’t just leave them.” So, I told them about the text. Since the theater was practically empty, they urged, “Go!” I’m so dingy. This is indicative of why I don’t get laid. I don’t seize the opportunity.

“Really?! We’re watching the movie.”
“The movie will be here.”
“Girl, go to him!”

I wrote back that I’d join him, when and where. I crept out of the theater and hopped into a cab to go the mile and a half to where he was waiting for me.

When I got there, I didn’t know exactly where he was. I went to the wrong Indian restaurant, so I sent a text. He called me. I was close. Instead of giving me directions to get to him, he said he’d come get me. I waited and when he finally hit the corner, I was crushed. I didn’t think I’d ever hear from him again and here he was, fully aware of my attraction, asking me to dinner. We walked to the restaurant. Crush on!

“Why are you dressed up?”
“I was out for coffee with a friend. We’d just finished when I got your text.” I lied.

Conversation over dinner was completely comfortable. He’d finally decided to spend a month in Hungary when his contract was up. Then he was planning on moving to Oakland, California for a year. This excited me because I’m from the East Bay and also plan on moving there after spending a month in Europe. My mind immediately thought of the sex I’m hoping we have. If we could do it before we left Asia, we could meet up in Europe and then in North America and that would make us lovers on three continents. His neurosis went to the growing crime rate that had been plaguing the city. I did a map search of the address where he’d be staying and told him it was a great, safe area of Oakland near Berkeley. This made him feel better.

When it was time to pay, I could sense he was going to pay for both, but I immediately pulled out my own money. I still wasn’t open to treating this as a date. I didn’t want to assume anything. After we ate, we weren’t ready to just go home, so we went for coffee at a café near the restaurant. We continued talking. We didn’t talk about my confession or his subsequent sort of rejection.  We just talked about our lives. He was clearly unclear on where he was headed and a bit neurotic. I am too. He’s so good looking. The ladies at the café kept smiling at us. We often get those kinds of smiles. It’s a sort of smile that says “you two are going to go home tonight and have great sex.” I wish.

In the middle of our conversation, one of the baristas brought me this doll. She didn’t speak English. She just put it in my hands and looked back and forth between Paul and me.

We both laughed. Paul told me to take a picture, so I did. I told him knowing Asian women, it was some sort of fertility doll.

Around midnight, we finally decided we were tired enough to go home. As we said good night, he asked what I was up to this weekend. I said I was probably going to the beach. He shared that his company was having some sort of company party on a beach and that he might go. We hugged good-bye. It was a tight, sincere hug. His long arms reached down over me. He smelled good. Damn.

Because the night was so lovely, I decided to walk the three miles home and listen to some music while doing it. I changed out of my heels to flip flops. I sent Paul a text telling him of my decision. He wished me a safe walk home.

♥K.

I sent him a message: “You’re funny. Your comments and captions make me laugh. Do you write?”

He replied, “I’d like to write more, but I’m better with quips than lengthier compositions. By the way, I want to be you. You seem to go everywhere. The next time you travel, can I cram myself into your carry-on luggage?

He wants to cram himself into my luggage. How about he ram himself into my vagina. I’m horrible, I know.

I told him that he can just come with me. I long for a travel partner who is also my lover. I didn’t say the latter to him, but it’s true. Sweet dreams.

♥K.

jerry: it was very passionate.

george: better than before?

jerry: she must’ve taken some kinda seminar or something.

george: this is all too much. what are you feeling? what’s going on? you like a couple again?

jerry: not exactly. we’ve tried to arrange a situation where we’ll be able to do this once in a while and still be friends.

george: (laughing uncontrollably): where are you living? are you here? are you on this planet? it’s impossible. it can’t be done. thousands of years people have been trying to have their cake and eat it too. so all of sudden the two of you are gonna come along and do it. where do you get the ego? no one can do it. it can’t be done.

jerry: i think we worked out a system.

george: you know what you’re like. you’re like a pathetic gambler. one of these losers in las vegas who keeps thinking he’s gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack.

jerry: no, this is very advanced. we’ve designed a set of rules. that we can maintain the friendship by avoiding all the relationship pitfalls.

george: all right. tell me the rules.

jerry: no calls the next day.

george: you have the sex. the next day you don’t have to call. pretty good. go ahead.

jerry: you ready for the second one?

george: i have to tell I’m very impressed with the first one.

jerry: spending the night: optional.

george: now. you see. you got greedy.

jerry: it’s one of the rules. it’s optional.

george: i know less about women than anyone one in the world, but one thing i do know is they are not happy if you don’t spend the night. it could be a hot sweaty room, and all they have is a little army cot this wide; you’re not going anywhere.

<3 K.

You know how people are always saying men and women can’t be just friends. The man will always want sex. Well, in the case of Paul and me, this isn’t the case. I’m the one who wants the sex, and never in my adult life have I confessed my sexual attraction to a man with whom I have the most fun and truly enjoy being around, and not had the feelings reciprocated.

Paul replied to my confession of sexual attraction as follows…

“Okay, cool, thanks for being upfront. I’m leaving at the end of August and not planning on returning anytime soon, so I wasn’t really looking to get involved in any type of dating situation because of that. But I’ve had a great time hanging out with you and talking and eating falafel. I think we have a lot in common and I appreciate that we’ve hung out even if it’s happening at the end of our time here.

I don’t know what else to say beyond that. I’d be up for hanging out again, but if you’re not comfortable with that, I totally get it and there’s no hard feelings at all. By the way, I don’t usually make profiles and I don’t have a lot of pictures of myself…is my couch surfing profile really that boring/unfriendly? I’m going to be homeless the whole time.” !!Again with the travel planning!!

To which I replied…

“You’re very sensible and kind, Paul. I concur with all of the above.” Then I gave him some couch surfing tips.

A good guy till the end.
I never mentioned a “dating situation”, but I understand though I’m annoyed.
43 days and 3 not a dates to learn that a man can indeed be friends with me without trying to get in my pants. It’s a new world.

K.

Well, when it was his turn, he listed me as “acquaintance.” I was annoyed. I tried not to care, but I had to say something. Terse sentences disguised my disappointment.

“Hey, saw you put acquaintance on CS. Was trying to give you more of head start by calling you a friend. Also, put traveled with you two days. It only helps. But you’re welcome. Good luck, K.” To which he replied…

“Hey, sounds good! Thank you. I just filled out the forms today and will change to friends. What’s your status regarding traveling in September? Will you be headed back to Paris? I’m hoping couch surfing will work. There’s a thing where you can contact people to hang out with but not necessarily stay at their place which sounds cool too.”

I couldn’t believe he was asking me about my traveling again. We’d already done this over and over again. The day before I’d told him that I was considering returning to Paris. So, for him to ask me that, I got this feeling he was just making conversation. So I sent this…

“Hi, I don’t know what’s happening. I want to go to California, SF or LA, it doesn’t matter… Anyway, I can’t do this anymore. I’m insanely attracted to you. I have been for some time. Before I even knew you. I’d see you around. Then you friend requested me. Then you started writing me. Then we hung out. So it’s only gotten worse, so I am good with men and women being friends, but not when it’s like this. Mitchell sure. Not one ounce of me wanted him like this. With you, I feel like I’m in sex purgatory. I tried to do the friend thing, just made it worse. So, okay. You’re just being nice, and I appreciate that. But it’s okay, you don’t have to be. Don’t be weird… Your couchsurfing profile needs to be more people friendly. Talk about your times couchsurfing outside of CS. Put up pictures… That is all. Good luck.”

Part of me hopes he doesn’t reply, and it can just be done. Seriously. I get it. K.

He was waiting for me in the lobby. As I approached him he turned around, looking good. I very much wished I were walking toward my lover. I’d throw my arms around him, kiss him softly on the lips, pull back, look him in his eyes and smile.

Instead, we said hi and sat in the waiting area and shared some laughs. He showed me all the candy he had purchased for the movie. He’s got a serious sweet tooth.

When we were finally seated in the theater, it felt so good to be close to him. His recently showered body smelled good. My mini fantasies continued as I thought of leaning over and kissing his neck or nibbling his ear. He was eating his candy out of a plastic bag. He offered me some by casually tilting the bag’s opening toward me. It felt like we’d been doing this forever. I didn’t take any though. He put the candy away and moved onto some cookies he had. Because I wanted to share something of his, I asked for some candy. He reached in his pocket and handed it to me. During the movie, our bodies touched. My lusty crush.

During one of the funnier parts of the film, I needed to say something funny about the movie. I leaned in to his ear so I could whisper. He laughed. Promising.

He walked me home. On the walk, we discussed him joining couchsurfing.org for his travels. I highly encouraged him to and told him to add me as his friend since people respond more to others who have connections. When we got to my place, we said the most awkward good night. It was like “so, uhm, okay, good night.” Eyebrows raised and all. Strange really.
K.

I know your life’s making a major shift here soon; I am there too. So making new friends is like weird/pointless for me, maybe for you. However, I treat it like I met you on a stop on my trip; I meet new friends in every city. I know we will stay in touch after you go on to your next destination. You’re a cool person. I don’t find many of those here, especially of the opposite sex. No, either sex.

If you want to get out this evening, my friend is coming into town around 3. We will probably eat, walk around, do some things. So maybe you’ll hang out. But write back either way.

He replied that he’d just had two falafel sandwiches and some ice cream. He was going running later and not sure what he would be doing afterward. Then he asked if I were at all inclined to watch the Batman movie that night.

I like him so much. Of course, I’m inclined. K.

“Yo! Are we dining with Michelle tomorrow night for her birthday? I got an invite, but I don’t know where dinner is. Is everyone meeting up somewhere beforehand or meeting at the restaurant. Hope you’re having a good week.”

Of course my first thought was “we? who is we?” The smart ass in me wanted to reply: I don’t what YOU’RE doing, but I’M going, yes. But I didn’t. Of course, I was happy to hear from him. Of course, I loved that he and I were a “we” even if it’s not the kind of we I wish it were. Anyway, I sent a terse reply telling him where dinner was and the time and place (7:30, exit 5) that she and I were meeting. I wrapped up with “I hope you can make it.” He replied, “Glad you’ll be there. I’ll meet you at 7:30, exit 5.” My heart smiled.

So when I got there at 7:30, he was waiting. He looked good. He was wearing a t-shirt and cargo shorts and quality flip-flops. His beard was in too. He looked so good. We were alone. We sat down and decided to wait for the birthday girl who was running late. We got caught up. He went home to attend his sister’s wedding (this is part of why he was M.I.A.). We both realized we’d been hospitalized for several days earlier that year and both felt really lonely. He didn’t tell anyone in Korea that he was in the hospital. I had only one friend visit me. We really connected over this and the loneliness we felt as 30-somethings in a foreign land. I asked if he’d seen any movies lately. He said no, but that he wanted to see the latest Batman film. He actually called it the Batman film. I had seen it but told him that I wanted to again. We agreed to go together. Fifteen minutes passed and we still hadn’t heard from Michelle. We were okay. He was starving and asked me if I still wanted to go eat. Of course I did. I wanted to spend loads of time with him. He made me laugh. He turned me on. He was smart. I suggested we still go to birthday restaurant for dinner.

When we entered, we saw another foreigner waiting. It was obvious she was with the party. My heart sank with disappointment of not having alone time with him. I got a feeling his did too. She told us that Michelle and another partier were on their way. The three of us made conversation. She was very flirty. She seemed to be one of those women who, if she knows you like a guy, she’ll like him more, so I was sure to be aloof. Birthday girl and another woman arrived.

During dinner, Paul and I shared some private laughs over the comedy that was transpiring at the dinner table. Two of the ladies were very flirtatious with him. The woman sitting across from him really couldn’t be bothered. Half way through dinner, I leaned over to him and whispered, “Do you want to see the Batman movie tonight?” He took a cue from my quietness and said yes.  The night went on and the five us decided to walk into downtown and get coffee. The birthday girl asked me if I thought Paul was doing okay with all these ladies. I told her I thought he was loving it. As a group, I started talking about a guy I was dating. I wanted it to be obvious that I was not interested in Paul. I just felt better keeping him in the friend box. As much as I am attracted to him, it just really feels better to have him there.

Anyway, the birthday girl and her quiet friend had to get back to the train station to go home. The chatty, flirty girl stayed back with Paul and me. I really wished she’d leave, but she wasn’t going to. It was nearing 11:30 p.m. and the Batman movie is 2.5 hours. I still wanted to go, but I didn’t want her to go. I don’t know why I did, but I just invited her along. I wanted to stay out with him longer, and I didn’t want to tell her, “Paul and I are going to the movies. Please go home.” The easiest thing to do was to invite her along. It also helped my efforts of seeming like I just wanted to be friends with Paul. I’m pretty sure this has something to do with my fear of being rejected by him. After a few back and forths, we decided not to go because it was too late. She lived on the red line. Paul and I live on the green line. We could go our separate ways. Good. He was going to walk home, so he said he’d walk me which was on the way.

On the walk home, we laughed about several of the things that had happened at the party. We continued talking about this guy who was trying to date me. He even wanted to see a picture. We talked about dating in a foreign land, writing and traveling. We both agreed that we’d love to go to Bali when we leave. He admitted that he thought he’d get bored after a while if he were there alone. It took all of me not to say let’s go together. It was a great fifteen minute, midnight stroll. We got to my place and said good night.

How does a woman who has major sexual attraction to a man make that man her lover if the two of them don’t ever drink together and loosen up or the man is not making a move? Yes, this is on my mind. It has never been this difficult when I knew it was what I wanted. I can feel it. I’m so close. I can grab it. Ugggh.
K.