About a month ago, I met Dave, a young Korean guy, at a bar. I’ve lived here for 16 months and never dated a Korean, so I was pretty surprised to meet one who showed much interest in me. He’s 27 and studying for his PhD at a prestigious university. He lived in England for a while and learned English there, so he speaks English with an English accent. It’s not as sexy as you think.
He asked to see me again. Aside from saying and doing a few silly things the night we met (like jokingly calling me old when I told him I was 33), I thought I should give it a shot. I can be somewhat judgmental on first impressions, so I am trying to lighten up. A girl’s not going to make a connection that leads to much desired love-making by sitting at home.
His university is in a different city, and he only visits his hometown, where I live, on the weekends. So, I wouldn’t get to see him again that week. He asked repeatedly to see me the coming weekend. I had plans, so I told him we could meet the following Sunday night. I ended up cancelling because I just wasn’t feeling the butterflies I like to feel when I meet someone who I want to date. Via text (so convenient), I lied and told him I was trying to get over someone, and that it just wasn’t a good time for me to date. A few days later, I got an email from him that included, “It’s a bit pity for me that I didn’t get a shot to work things out with you.” I didn’t reply. I thought all was settled.
Around 8:30 last night, I was out eating dinner. I was planning to meet up with friends, but I got a text from him. He asked how I was doing. He’d just arrived in town and suggested we meet. I was hesitant, but I agreed under a few conditions: I didn’t want it to be a date or feel like one; I didn’t want him to try to kiss me or hold my hand. I told him to just be my friend. I didn’t want there to be any awkward instances when he was trying to do something I didn’t want him to do. He agreed.
The night started out okay. I was perfectly fine being his friend. I was relaxed, but I was right: I felt no butterflies. (This was okay because I’d once dated a guy-The Sex That Got Away #8-who did not give me butterflies at first; however, I dated him long enough, and he did eventually). Dave got to drinking too much. He had six drinks to my two. He told me when he drinks, he drinks a lot. Anyway, I had no desire to keep up and stopped. He just kept them coming though. As he got more drunk and more comfortable, he began to say stupid things. Every time he’d say something stupid, I’d file it away in the Reasons-I-Can’t-Date-You folder. Usually it takes a man a few hours, days, weeks to fill his folder; Dave managed in 90 minutes.
“Twelve Reasons I Can’t Date You”
12. While you’re talking, a song comes on that I like, and I’m so uninterested in what you’re saying, I tune you out so I can listen to it.
11. You do this thing where you put your index finger to your mouth to indicate that you’d like me to stop talking so you can talk. Normally, this would turn me on, but since you don’t, it doesn’t. It’s just annoying.
10. You want to be an investment banker for Goldman Sachs.
9. You boasted about your friend who made $17 million one year off derivatives; the year the economy crashed. You confirm I know derivatives are the instrument that caused the economy to collapse. You want to do the same thing as your friend.
8. You keep talking to me about Compton, or CPT as you refer to it often, and your one visit there as though it’s a city I frequent or want to.
7. You STRONGLY regret not eating at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.
6. You sent me texts and wrote “famz,” “kool,” and “laterz” instead of family, cool and later.
5. You keep telling me my dog isn’t macho because he doesn’t bark.
4. You keep trying to get me to do Jäger shots (35% alcohol). When I decline, you offer absinthe (68% alcohol).
3. You said if tomorrow was your last day on Earth, the thing you’d want most is a Big Mac.
2. In response to me repeatedly telling you I didn’t wish to date, you felt you had to clarify that when you asked me out, it wasn’t to date me; it was to “chill.”
1. I am making a list of reasons why I can’t “chill” with you ever again while I’m out chilling with you so I don’t forget everything that’s popping up in my head after we’re done chilling.