confessions, crushes, Dating, desire, fiction, i want you, lovers, lust, relationships, sex, sex purgatory, sexual attraction
The next day I received a couchsurfing.org friend request from Paul. It’s so strange because every time I part ways with him, I think it’s the last time I’m either going to hear from him or see him. So, I accepted the friendship. There are several options for the degree of friendship from: acquaintance to close friends. I just listed him as “friend” and said he was a great guy, fun to be around and we’d traveled for 2 days together. I’d spent enough time with him to know he was decent and wasn’t going to harm anyone.
Well, when it was his turn, he listed me as “acquaintance.” I was annoyed. I tried not to care, but I had to say something. Terse sentences disguised my disappointment.
“Hey, saw you put acquaintance on CS. Was trying to give you more of head start by calling you a friend. Also, put traveled with you two days. It only helps. But you’re welcome. Good luck, K.” To which he replied…
“Hey, sounds good! Thank you. I just filled out the forms today and will change to friends. What’s your status regarding traveling in September? Will you be headed back to Paris? I’m hoping couch surfing will work. There’s a thing where you can contact people to hang out with but not necessarily stay at their place which sounds cool too.”
I couldn’t believe he was asking me about my traveling again. We’d already done this over and over again. The day before I’d told him that I was considering returning to Paris. So, for him to ask me that, I got this feeling he was just making conversation. So I sent this…
“Hi, I don’t know what’s happening. I want to go to California, SF or LA, it doesn’t matter… Anyway, I can’t do this anymore. I’m insanely attracted to you. I have been for some time. Before I even knew you. I’d see you around. Then you friend requested me. Then you started writing me. Then we hung out. So it’s only gotten worse, so I am good with men and women being friends, but not when it’s like this. Mitchell sure. Not one ounce of me wanted him like this. With you, I feel like I’m in sex purgatory. I tried to do the friend thing, just made it worse. So, okay. You’re just being nice, and I appreciate that. But it’s okay, you don’t have to be. Don’t be weird… Your couchsurfing profile needs to be more people friendly. Talk about your times couchsurfing outside of CS. Put up pictures… That is all. Good luck.”
Part of me hopes he doesn’t reply, and it can just be done. Seriously. I get it. K.
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